Author Description

My name is Cindy and my deepest desire, since I was a child, was to do something fulfilling with my life. This desire came from all the devastation I witnessed. Then, I came across a Zen proverb, "May we exist like the lotus at ease in muddy water." My childhood was like slopping through mud but where was my lotus? The more I remembered of my youth the more horrified I became. I was waking up from a terrifying nightmare. I knew I needed help but what or who could help me? In my fervor, I recognized that I was being as hard on myself as those who had harmed me. How could I exist at ease as a beautiful lotus flower in the midst of all this muck which continued to envelop me no matter how hard I pushed to get out? The immediate answer to that question was to begin writing my story. It is contained in the following pages. As I wrote I realized that it was my desire to heal my own deep wounds and thereby be of service to others. Fortunately, I had many normal experiences but the uniqueness was in the travesty of abuse and disregard for human life that daily filled my youth. The fact that it was perpetrated over many years by my parents and forced upon me and my siblings is, to this day, beyond my comprehension. However, I didn't write this for comprehension, mine or anyone else's, I wrote this for healing and transformation. I choose to share my intense family story and continue to transform my life into the lotus. I began to write my story as a single mother in my mid-thirties with three children having the goal in mind to not pass this down to my kids. When I wasn't talking to a professional, reading a self-help book, or attending spiritual meetings in order to free my soul I was trying to live a normal life and give my kids a normal life. I just wanted to be sane. As I wrote, I became certain of one thing. I needed to know the details and the facts as a gateway to transformation and forgiveness. I needed the truth of my experiences and a release from my story. Then I