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<p>1. Do not respond to bad reviews.</p> <p>2. If you must respond to bad reviews, please do not kidnap the reviewer.</p> <p>3. If you must kidnap the reviewer, do not kidnap him in a public area.</p> <p>4. If there are witnesses, do not also kidnap them.</p> <p>5. If you also kidnap the witnesses, consider quitting crystal meth.</p> <p>6. If you find yourself surrounded by hostages, purchase extra duct tape.</p> <p>7. Do not let the hostages take their own hostages.</p> <p>8. Invest in better coffee.</p> <p>9. Don't forget: dildo crucifixes have more than one use.</p> <p>10. And, most importantly: do not engage the severed heads in conversation.</p>